Parenting can be a wonderful and rewarding experience, but every parent has those days where it feels like you're navigating a minefield of criticism and scrutiny.
Broadcaster, former Made in Chelsea star and mum-of-two Ashley James spoke to us about making choices as a parent, facing scrutiny on social media and advocating for other parents to stand tall in the face of unwanted opinions.
A new parent in lockdown
Ashley is mum to four-year-old Alfie and two-year-old Ada. Like many other new parents, she faced judgment for her choices around feeding, dummy use and potty training, particularly on social media.
“With [Alfie] I was getting judgement and backlash, and it was lockdown so I didn’t have much of an offline support network.”
“Everything was online and I wish I had trusted myself and drowned out that noise.”
Self-care and social media
The pressure from social media to act or feel a certain way can be overwhelming and parents aren’t exempt from this. For Ashley, even self-care felt like an obligation…
“There’s such a focus on self-care as a new mum but it’s very hard to find those pockets of time.
“I found that more stressful - feeling pressure that I should be having baths and taking time for myself at a time where I felt like I couldn’t detach myself from my son.”
“Now, I use my platform to empower people that might be feeling vulnerable and susceptible to criticism to understand that they know best and that they can do what’s best for [their family].”
Parenting looks different for everyone, especially in the early stages when you’re learning about your baby, and your baby is learning about you.
“I’d say it’s all about boundaries and maybe seeing what other people do on social media and taking it with a pinch of salt, because even in terms of postpartum recovery everyone looks so different and everyone’s juggling different things.”
Setting boundaries
Setting boundaries can feel daunting - you might not want to make people feel unappreciated or pushed away, especially if their intentions are in the right place. But Ashley sees their value, particularly on social media.
When it comes to boundaries, Ashley says it helps to think about self-empowerment: “Take what works for you. If what empowers you is looking at different experiences online, then do it. If it doesn’t empower you, step away from it.
“And know that if someone who empowered you during pregnancy, isn’t empowering you in the newborn stage, because you’re on different paths and journeys, that’s okay.
“Anyone that makes you feel bad, there’s a block button, a mute button, there’s an unfollow button.”
“It’s not one size fits all”
There’s no manual on how to parent, but doing what’s right for your mental health, body and baby is most important – and you know your baby best.
Ashley understands this from personal experience - some people didn't react well when she breastfed Alfie as part of a live segment on Channel 5's Jeremy Vine show. But she defends her right to be public about breastfeeding and argues that all mothers should feel safe in their choices.
“I did breastfeed, and I got criticism for that. It’s just knowing that no one can judge you because no one knows your circumstances, and no one knows your baby – there are things I did with Alf that didn’t work for Ada and vice versa. It’s not one size fits all.”
Ashley encourages parents by saying, “I think, in terms of mental health, it’s doing what’s right for you and, of course, carving out time for yourself is important, but sometimes it’s not possible.
“Just know that it will pass and it’s not forever and don’t be afraid to ask for help.”
Tuning out the noise can be hard, but, ultimately, you know what’s best, because nobody knows your baby like you do.
Ashley’s final advice for parents online is to, “Be mindful not to project what has worked for you on to new mums, because everyone will be telling them what works best, and everyone’s experience will be completely different.”
