“We’ve all been there, thinking I can’t even soothe my child, I must be a bad parent,’” says Dr Sue Smith, founder of ICON, a programme which aims to help parents understand all about crying babies.
Crying can be a really distressing thing for parents. It’s meant to be – crying is your baby’s way of getting your attention and having their needs met. But sometimes babies will just cry and cry and cry, no matter what you try.
Along with her colleague Jane Scattergood, chair of ICON and a Director of Nursing and Quality for the NHS, Sue wants us to realise how normal this is and that you can cope with it.
We caught up with Sue and Jane to talk about how you can best deal with babies crying and the importance of keeping your cool if you find it getting to you.
Crying for no reason
The first thing that Sue and Jane want parents to understand is that crying, even lots of crying, is to be expected when it comes to young babies. After all, they’re new to the world and still getting used to it.
“Babies can cry for lots of reasons, but they can also cry for no reason,” says Sue.
It starts around two weeks, that a baby will start to just cry more for no apparent reason and it can reach a peak at around about six to eight weeks.”
This is when babies cry more than ever, before the crying gradually lessens over the next few weeks and months. This measure is from babies’ due dates, rather than from birth, so parents of premature babies usually see this peak a little later.
This Sue and Jane hope that parents will find this peak crying period easier to cope with, once they understand that it’s a normal phase that will soon pass.
Comforting
The natural thing that parents will do when they hear their baby’s cry is to look for a reason for the crying. If there is no reason, then the next thing is to try to comfort them.
There are a few common ways to comfort a crying baby, which will sometimes work:
- Calm chat
- Close contact and stroking
- Humming, singing or playing music
- Skin to skin cuddles
- Rocking baby or going for a walk
- A warm bath
- Offering a dummy if necessary (for a short period of time)
One or a combination of these methods might be successful one day, but not the next. It’s absolutely normal for babies to sometimes continue to cry no matter what parents try.
Coping
If babies simply will not stop crying, it can be really frustrating, stressful and worrying. Particularly if it’s the middle of the night and you’re facing other pressures of work and family life.
The best thing for parents to do is to find ways of coping and keeping calm.
“It’s up to parents, carers or whoever is looking after the baby to suss out what their coping strategies are,” says Sue. “It might be doing a bit of deep breathing, making a cup of tea, giving someone a call, going for a walk with baby in a sling or putting on some headphones and listening to music for a few minutes.”
Taking a breather
It’s really important to understand that it’s ok to take a breather.
“If you find yourself starting to really get stressed, to the point where you can feel anger starting to rise that you're directing to the baby, whether you are handling them a little bit more roughly or just speaking to them a little bit harshly, then you need to be aware of that,” says Sue.
Part of your coping mechanism might be to check that the baby is in a safe place, that they're not going to be at any risk, and then to walk away for a few minutes and do something to calm yourself down.
That few minutes could be the length of time it takes to go into another room and pop on a favourite song to boost your mood, before heading back in to check on your baby.
And this is a completely valid way of dealing with the situation, as long as your baby is free from any danger.
“You’re not a crap parent because you're getting angry and you're not a crap parent because you can't fix the problem,” Jane says.
Actually, Sue emphasises that having this self-awareness actually makes for a “really, really good parent”. For parents to realise they need to walk away for a few minutes is “a skill” she says, “but they will fight it if they don’t know they have permission to do it.”
Why it’s ok to walk away
It’s absolutely normal and understandable for parents to be stressed and frustrated when babies just can’t be soothed. It’s understandable for irrational thoughts to come into your head, like ‘the baby doesn’t like me’ or that they’re doing it on purpose, says Sue.
But if babies are shaken it can cause irreversible damage, including blindness, brain damage, or worse still, death.
This is why it’s so important that you take a moment to breathe and calm yourself if you feel it’s needed.
“All that you’re asking of yourself is to proactively manage your emotions and do something to keep everyone safe,” says Jane. And that something you do could be as simple as popping the kettle on and making a brew or stepping outside for a few minutes' fresh air - whatever works for you.
“It's about being responsive and nurturing and loving and not seeing the baby as the enemy, because it can feel that way when you're knackered and it's four o'clock in the morning.”
I think in the depths of that, it’s just really helpful to know that it's so common, it's normal, you're not rubbish and it will pass.
Accessing further help
If you are concerned that your baby might be unwell or if you’re struggling to cope with the crying, then speak to your health visitor or GP right away.
Visit the ICON website for more information and advice on coping with crying.
Visit the NHS website for more information on babies crying.
If you’re struggling to cope with your baby crying, Cry-sis run a helpline for support on 08451 228 669.
